Will I be alone forever? This is how you can change.
Most people long for love - and yet there are many who repeatedly fail in their relationships and experience life as a constant single.
Not everybody is happy. But a lot of them walk their own path.
Most people long for love - and yet there are many who repeatedly fail in their relationships and experience life as a constant single. They want closeness, but if it’s there, it’s too much. Psychotherapist “Stefanie Stahl” addressed this phenomenon in her book “Jein” (Yes and No) and addressed attachment fears and their causes.
It describes the emotional waves of people struggling with commitment in four chapters. It’s important to recognize the fear of commitment as a “real” fear - and examine its roots.
It is characteristic of people who are afraid of commitment that the desire for partnership does not overcome the fear of relationship failure. For almost all those afraid of commitment, low self-esteem is to blame for their misery - the fear of not satisfying their partner and then being left alone again.
People with low self-esteem cannot tolerate rejection and are easily offended or hurt. The fact that they can’t imagine someone loving them as such changes them in a relationship until they finally lose themselves. This then leads to them either starting to cling and projecting or fleeing the relationship - and so it repeats itself.
Strategies for avoidance
It is often the case that people struggling with commitment have developed avoidance strategies that suggest that the lack of connection has its roots elsewhere - and has nothing to do with them. Then work is put at the forefront, which means they simply don’t have time to meet someone, or they always fall in love with “bad” people who are “unfortunately” already married or living far away.
The many compromises you would have to make in a relationship prevent such people from getting involved.
However, all of these are just excuses to hide the real problem. In fact, the job is ideal for meeting your partner. And if there’s no chance of finding a potential candidate, this can be done from the couch through an online dating service.
The only way to break the cycle is to be honest and face the facts, recognizing that the fear of commitment and attachment is directly related to the fear of failure. Of course, it is not easy to admit that a person’s self-esteem requires a little care and support.
Lack of self-love is often accompanied by a great urge to strengthen. Ironically, the ego is content with confirmation or recognition - but then it looks for new challenges. So if you fall in love or if you were in bed with him, you lost interest and have to find a new date.
The goal is self acceptance - you have to love yourself and accept yourself together with all your flaws and weaknesses. You can do it alone or trough the help of therapy, it all depends on the ability to self-examine.